


Yolo, Yolas, Yolat

by UniverseOnHerShoulders



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Multi, Obituaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 15:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16222259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UniverseOnHerShoulders/pseuds/UniverseOnHerShoulders
Summary: The Doctor attempts to memorialise Missy, who has more than a few comments on the ensuing result.





	Yolo, Yolas, Yolat

**Author's Note:**

> This is a silly, silly idea that came to me ages ago and I never worked on until now. Which Doctor is writing? You decide.
> 
> Title comes from a terrible Latin joke:  
> Yolo - I only live once  
> Yolas - you only live once  
> Yolat - he/she only lives once.

The Mistress: In Memoriam. 

_Oh, please. Look, we both know you’re just using Latin to_

_really rub in the fact you invented the damn language._

I have known Missy for many, many millennia.

_Too bloody long._

We grew up together on Gallifrey, and she — or, as she was then, he — was my first friend. 

 _You could’ve just used “they.” It’s a singular pronoun now, darling._  

We attended the Prydonian Academy together as young children, and we drifted together, becoming close friends and partners who stuck together during our studies, determined to overcome both adversity and our own ignorance 

_Speak for yourself!_

and learn about the universe around us. We were gatekeepers of time, masters of the universe

_Boooooooooooooring. You never bought into any of that crap, you were_

_too busy off doing chemistry experiments with antimatter and_ — _oh,_

 _wait_ — _me. Much more fun than any of that shit._

and we took our roles very seriously. 

 _Lol no._  

I still remember the day they took my friend away to look into the Untempered Schism. It was an important initiation rite of my people — you were shown the raw power of the Time Vortex at a tender age, and it shaped your formative years. Some people, it inspired. Some people, it drove mad.

_What are you, an anthropology lecturer? Get on with the bit where_

**_they ruined my childhood._ **

I remember the person they brought back from the Untempered Schism, and they

 **_Thank_ ** _you. Singular ‘they’ pronoun = good._

were not the friend I had known and loved. They were different, and yet —  still they stayed by my side, and I stayed by theirs. I fought to protect them, even when others called them names. I covered for them when they started fights or broke things, driven to torment by what they had seen in the Schism. I loved them despite everything, because we were the same, them and I. We ran together, we shared ideas of escaping, and we shared dreams of exploring the stars. 

_Aww. Love you, Thete._

Times changed. My friend changed, as did I — I grew old, and then I grew young again. The pain of that first regeneration was manageable only because my dearest friend had shared their own pain with me, and prepared me for the agony that came with losing your sense of self.

_Excuse me, whose bloody obituary is this? Stop talking about yourself!_

My life took me in a different direction to them 

_No, seriously, shut up about yourself. Dear god, the ego._

_Don’t make me come and give that pretty little face a slap._

but I still considered them a friend, even when things between us grew dark and troubled.

_That’s a really nice way of saying, “you stopped me taking over_

_the world because you’re a boring little arse,” isn’t it?_

Even after many attempts were made on my life 

_Alright, let’s not dwell on the nasties!_

I never stopped caring about them, because it was my duty as their friend to do so. I loved them with both of my hearts, which never ceased to ache for them. 

_God, cry me a bloody river. This is still my obituary,_

_right? I haven’t walked into your diary by mistake?_  

After the loss of our people and many centuries of separation

 _Christ, this makes it sound like we were married…_

we were eventually reunited aboard the _Valiant_

_Still pissed off about the destruction of that, actually, it was a darling_

_little ship. Not bad for your primitive little pet humans._

where they died in my arms. I did all I could to honour them, even as I found myself alone in the universe once again. With them alive, I had had hope. I was able to cling to the memories of the past, as I had someone with which to share them. We could sing the old songs, and tell the old stories, and keep our homeworld alive. Without that tenuous link… Gallifrey died with my oldest and first friend. 

_Thank god, never liked the place anyway. But also, aww, Thetes bbz <3 _

My joy upon discovering their resurrection 

_Whose. Bloody. Obituary. Is. This._

was marred only slightly by the discovery of the true extent to which our people had damaged my friend. I hoped to cure them. I hoped to keep them with me, safe and free from the curse the Time Lords had put upon them. I was wrong. Our people sought to intervene, and once again I lost my oldest friend. 

_Our people are dicks. We get it. Stop banging on about it, you’ve_

_made your point._

When I found that I was no longer alone and that the man I had known was now the incorrigible force of nature known as Missy, I was thrilled. 

_Almost as thrilled as I was upon discovering I had boobies._

The fact that she was, at the time, attempting to convert the entirety of humanity — both dead and alive — into Cybermen was unfortunate. 

_Ah, good times._

My companion 

 _Sweet little thing. Must drop in on her sometime_. 

would have been entirely justified in her desire to kill her, and yet I knew I could not permit that. 

_Nothing gets me going like someone pointing a weapon at me._

_Which is often, actually. I’m basically just a walking lady boner._

I took on the burden of execution 

 _Really bloody noble of you, and all._  

and it was not until some months later that my prayers were answered as I discovered Missy to still be alive and well. Finding ourselves on Skaro 

 _I think you misspelled “Shithole.”_

we were thrown together in the most dire of situations, but she betrayed my trust and harmed the one person I cared about most in the universe. 

 _Urm, RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

My hearts broke as I left Missy to her fate, not knowing if I would ever see her again. 

_You pissed off with your pet. I hope she was worth it, it took_

_me months to scrub liquid Dalek out of my petticoats._

When I found Missy again, kneeling and awaiting execution, I knew it was my chance. 

 _Sounds a bit dodgy, love._  

I took her in, and kept her safe. I taught her, and allowed her to reflect on the crimes of her past. She began to change. 

 _Thanks, I sound like a caterpillar. Also, enough of the Saviour Complex, thank you._

I was so proud of her. We spent many hours together 

_Yes, in **your** vault that **you** locked me in. Although, I’ll be honest, I miss _

_that vault. The piano was divine and I have some **sinful** memories..._

and I was elated to see her changing into the wonderful person I knew she could always become. It broke my hearts to learn of her death at her own hand — a fitting end, no doubt — 

_Meaning?!_

and I will miss her more than I can possibly say. I will miss her laugh, and her jokes. I will miss our shared history. I will miss knowing that she understood me without a word needing to be said. Missy, I hope that the Matrix treats you kindly, and know that one day I will be there with you to share the laughter and joy of youth once again.

_You’re going to make me cry. I might have to drop in and_

_see you soon. I can’t have you making me **emote**_.


End file.
